Whether you are thinking of moving to Sweden or have already made the transition, do not underestimate the power that saying a proper goodbye can have on your long-term adjustment.

Human beings are naturally driven to form attachments to others, and it is through these connections to people and surroundings that we build our self-image and self-esteem. Because these attachments are so significant, it is naturally painful to say goodbye. The human mind automatically enlists the help of defense mechanisms in order to deal with psychic pain. Defenses are often aimed at providing short-term relief, but with long-term costs to overall adjustment.

In the case of anticipating a loss, a common defensive maneuver is to devalue ones attachments in order to make leaving them easier. At times this can take the form of avoidance of loved ones or of emotionally-significant locations. A more destructive defensive style is sometimes invoked, for example one may initiate arguments with loved ones, or possibly even destroy a relationship with a friend or family member over a superficial disagreement just prior to leaving.

This coping style is of course a two-way street; people close to you may have enlisted this strategy when they found out you were planning to move. They may have felt rejected and insignificant and coped with these feelings by devaluing you or their relationship with you. It is important to find more direct ways of coping with feelings of loss and sadness.

Meeting with people before you leave, visiting favorite places, and allowing yourself to experience the loss and associated feelings of grief are essential rituals that, while painful in the short-term, contribute to better post-transition adjustment.

If you have already moved, it is not too late to repair a relationship that may have suffered as a result of your move. A genuine, worthwhile relationship can usually survive a crisis, but don't sweep problems under the rug. If you confront hurt feelings and misunderstandings directly, the relationship will be strengthened in the long-run.

Originally published in Götebory Daily

Several readers responded to the article, Making a Relationship Work after Relocation, with questions about how to deal with feelings of helplessness and dependency that often emerge as a result of the transition. This has to do with the experience of regression: a temporary psychological shift from a higher mode of functioning to a developmentally earlier one as a result of stress.

Originally published in Götebory Daily

Moving to Sweden in order to be with a Swedish spouse or sambo is an example of a life event that can awaken childhood relationship dynamics. In life, our ability to navigate through and succeed in adult relationships develops out of experiences we had as children in our relationships with our parents.

In infancy, there is no distinction between self and other. As one passes through the years of childhood, self and other become differentiated and we develop a separate identity of our own. This process does not occur turbulence-free, however. Between infancy and mature independence lie emotional extremes. Think of the temper tantrums of a toddler or the rebellion of a teenager. Both of these stages illustrate the turmoil that can go along with the process of attaining individuality and ultimately ones own identity.

Making the transition to another country even under the most positive circumstances is in and of itself a major life stressor, but it is particularly challenging to find your identity as a non-Swede. One of the biggest challenges in this process is the experience of dependency and helplessness. The inability to communicate and being subject to the rules and regulations of the Swedish bureaucracy are experiences that can catapult us back to a childlike state. It is easy to forget that we have adult competencies without the practical skills to succeed in Swedish culture.

Many couples find themselves in crisis when the expectations connected with parent-child relationship patterns become superimposed upon the here-and-now adult relationship. Much like the frustrated child or teen, the non-Swede is prone to enlist a number of unhealthy tactics in an attempt to salvage a feeling of independence.

These include: manipulation, and blame (you are responsible for my unhappiness, "I moved all the way over here to be with you and you can't even..."); pseudo-independent rebellion (lying, secrets, unfaithfulness); sadness and worry (suspicious fantasies and accusations, feeling forgotten, unimportant, or invisible), and/or avoidance (passivity, helplessness, withdrawal).

It is vital that couples be aware of the normal, but temporary change in relational dynamics in order to tolerate the stress that is put on the relationship. The ability to identify and accept feelings of dependency and helplessness, without trying to combat them with short-lived solutions, is crucial for a couple's stability. If it is the first time the couple is faced with these dynamics, tolerance of these emotions will ultimately contribute to a deeper, more intimate relationship in the long run.

Originally published in Götebory Daily