After 15 years in Sweden you would think I would have a pretty good notion of how things work in this country. Yet every time I find myself in a new situation it hits me that I spent the first 25 years of my life somewhere else and that these years still fundamentally form who I am and how I think.

Still, as time goes on it becomes more and more difficult to know exactly where the cultural differences lie. Is it just because it is a new situation? Is it a generational difference? Is it some other reason or is it because my frames-of-reference, my learnings, my experience - my culture, is of a different origin?

Curling is a term that seems to have evolved here, and for good reason. It comes from an analogy with the sport of curling, people rushing ahead of children, frantically sweeping the path clean of even the most minor obstructions.

I've wanted to write about this subject many times but I get so frustrated and angry that I end up putting it on the back-burner and leaving it for another time. I'm not so sure I'm going to be any more successful this time either - but here goes.

This is a bit of an education household - it is our past and our present; Ty is teaching in a school and in recent weeks I have been doing some supply teaching at a local school - because I was asked to, because I have gaps in my schedule, but mostly because our daughter will start at this school in the spring and I want some insight. I am also going to continue taking 4 lessons a week until the end of the term, for the same reasons. My other interest in education comes from my research. We have had many a discussion about methods, attitudes and the education systems in the four countries we have worked in.

Anyway, the stories that I hear from Ty make me wish he would start a blog - anonymously, and blow the system apart. Uuggghhh!!!! I don't even know where to start......... And all the time Skolverket (education department) put the blame on everyone but themselves - the teachers, the students, the parents, the independent schools - yet some of the stuff that they come up with makes me think they need their heads read!!!!

I've written before about Sweden's school system and curling and how the need to attract students has a major effect on the running of schools. But sadly that is not the end of it - the stories I hear of parents ever so eager to have their child succeed are very worrying - in their desire to protect their children they really screw things up - for themselves and for others.

There are a lot of really healthy attitudes towards bringing up children in this country - and there are a lot of really healthy attitudes towards education - in many ways they are much healthier than what I know and see in both our countries - Australia and Canada. But I have to say that on the whole the approach is pretty soft. Boundaries are neither set nor adhered to - I see it and I feel it all around me and it scares me. And sometimes it makes me really, really angry.

But I will leave it here for now, perhaps another time I will dare to delve through all the issues that have come to light in the last few years, all the points of frustration, contemplation and sheer wonder - and I don't mean that in a positive way. And I know systems are changing around the world as many countries struggle to get a grip of how to run education - but in discussions with teaching friends around the world they are usually left with a gaping mouth.....

Typically when the pendulum swings from one way of thinking it goes to the other extreme until it comes back to the middle, to a position of balance. The Swedish education system is going through a crisis - I just hope the time comes when we have balance in Sweden, otherwise how will these kids ever cope in the real world? Or will we just continue to see a growth in the numbers of people who are burnt out and more of the lost generation - a term used to describe those born in the 80s?

or was it measure your success by your friends? I can't quite remember but I know there is an old proverb about friends and on several occasions this last week I have had opportunity to reflect over just that, friends.

I'm sure it is Trompenaars & Hampden-Turner in their book Riding The Waves Of Culture who say something about old isolated countries (like Sweden) being full of old friends. Until the 50s there was not the movement around the country, or in and out of the country and people were pretty isolated, villages would be cut off from each other for months of the year and families had known each other for generations. And we all know what we are like with old friends - we just know each other, we understand, we don't have to explain and there is no need for small talk. And we all know what it is like to try and break into a group of friends who have known each other for years. It is hard and it takes time.

While Swedes of today might be much more mobile, with people moving around to go to university or for employment, things are not all that different. Culture does not change as quickly as what circumstances do, it is ingrained in our way of being. Words like shy, introverted, reserved, wary and guarded are all used to describe these people. But however you describe them Sweden is a country full of old friends, many have known each other since day-care and with so many moving to the big cities it is possible to remain close to school friends even in a new city. All this makes it very difficult for outsiders, many of whom say they struggle to meet Swedes, to form friendships with Swedes.
Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness. ~Dag Hammarskjold (a Swede).

When I first came to Sweden in the early 90s I developed an analogy that still rings true today. In this country you can stand out on someone's doorstep and bang and bang on the door, ringing the doorbell for all you are worth. You might be standing out in a blizzard with the wind blowing cold in your face and the snow sleeting down around you. Yet you will stand there, feeling sorry for yourself until someone is willing to open the door. If, or once they finally do, you are welcomed inside where it is warm and hospitable. There is food and drink, fun and merriment. There will be people you will be introduced to and you will have good friends for life. You just have to get past the front door!

Since there is nothing so well worth having as friends, never lose a chance to make them. ~Francesco Guicciardini
But getting past the front door is no easy task. A Brazilian neighbour told me when I first moved here that you have to say hello to a Swede everyday for about a year before things move to the next step. While this is possibly a gross exaggeration and clearly not true in every case, I have once again been reminded of the validity of his comment. Shane’s post about his lack of friends and small social circle after a year in Stockholm and lunch with a Belgium woman new to Stockholm both remind me of how hard it can be. Especially for someone here on their own – ironic considering Stockholm supposedly has more single households than any other capital in the world and almost 20% of Stockholmers were born abroad – with many more born somewhere else in Sweden.

Strangers are just friends waiting to happen. ~Rod McKuen, Looking for a Friend
I warned my Belgium friend not to expect any invitations – none of the customary – lets all go out for a drink after work., - friends are going to see a movie Saturday – want to join us?, - do you have any plans for the weekend? - or any other of the invitations one might expect to get from colleagues having just moved to a new job in a new country. Sadly, she confirmed I was right.

It is even part of the language and regrettably I find myself reflecting over my use of vocabulary in a way I never used to – friend, school friend, friend from work have all become vän (friend), kollega (colleague) and bekant (acquaintance) – the word friend can’t be used lightly, carelessly.

So it is not so strange that non-Swedes become friends with non-Swedes and expats move in purely expat circles – it is often not for lack of trying or lack of wanting. In fact many leave when their time is up, sad that they got to know so few Swedes while living in Sweden…… And while it is true that many of us are so busy we don’t have time for the friends we do have, let alone new ones, it is far from the entire explanation.

There is magic in long-distance friendships. They let you relate to other human beings in a way that goes beyond being physically together and is often more profound. ~Diana Cortes
But even there it can be difficult to get to know other non-Swedes as those of us who are here long-term are often self-protective. My friendship group has bled many times over the years as friends have opted to return home, or move on to another placement. My dearest, oldest (as in longest) Swedish friend looked around the room during my recent birthday celebrations and commented on how few had been at my 30th, a decade earlier. We long-termers joke about asking people how long they plan to be here and about being wary of those who say anything less than us – it is painful to lose someone every couple of years. And the irony of it all, some of my dearest friends have packed their bags and left, but I wouldn’t be without them.Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends. ~Shirley Maclaine

So what is the answer? How do you make friends in Sweden? How do you even meet people that might possibly become friends? You have to go out on a limb, and you have to do it time and time again, even in the face of potential rejection. You have to approach people who you like, who seem interesting and you cannot wait for them to approach you – because it just might not happen.

And if that fails or if you don’t quite have the courage then the best place to start is the expat organisations, and there is a growing number of them. There are always others keen to extend their social network, and you never know, some of them might have Swedish friends too. But realise it takes a long time to develop into friendship!

Friends are relatives you make for yourself. ~Eustache Deschamps
Friendship is a glorious thing, something we all need, we all benefit from. It makes the dull days shine brightly, the bright ones even more magnificent. And the smaller our family, or the further away they are, the greater our need for friends. As I looked around the room on Saturday night I saw just a handful I’ve known longer than my oldest child (6), but I saw many dear people whose company I really enjoy, whose friendship I really value. I am one of the fortunate ones, I can truly count both my age and my success by my wonderful friends.

There are big ships and small ships. But the best ship of all is friendship. ~Author Unknown

Friendship Quotes
Mums In Sweden
Lost In Sweden - bulletin board
International Friends of Stockholm - one of many facebook groups
International Woman's Club - Stockholm
Eurocircle - Stockholm
American Club of Sweden
English Speaking Community Club - Stockholm
Just to name a few.

Earthly Family's Culture of Sweden

Smorgasbord and Swedish culture

sweden.se has a number of articles, interviews and the like to help you get a feel for the Swedes.

The Xenophobe's Guide to the Swedes

Wikipedia and the culture of Sweden

Åke Daun, Professor of European Ethnology and author, has written countless articles about the Swedes, mostly in Swedish. Here is one on Swedish Myths and another on The Swedish Mentality.

Pippi Longstocking is not everyone's favorite. My older sister remembers her being banned in our household and neither my younger sister nor I knew who she was by the time we reached adulthood.

A few years ago we were watching the Swedish version (compliments of my daughter) and we talked about how controversial she must have been in her day, and how much of a role model she is here in Sweden, even if Astrid never intended it to be that way.

Without doubt you could write an entire paper (or two) about Pippi, about the chicken and the egg theory - did she influence or reflect earlier Swedish attitudes? You could write about her character traits and her attitudes, about her presence in every Swedish child's mind, about women (and men) in Sweden today and their position in the world, in the work place, in society, and in the home. I wonder how many papers out there have been written on Pippi.

And although we have had the 60th Anniversary of Pippi she still continues to influence and to be a role model. Swedish newspaper SvD reported recently on the Swedish Attorney General's letter to her French colleague Rachida Dati. Beatrice Ask's empathy must have been strong for this single mother who refused to name the father of her child and subsequently returned to work just 5 days after giving birth to her daughter. Ask was Minister of Education when she, as a single woman, gave birth to a son, returning to work immediately afterwards.

In her support amidst the controversy and rumors, Ask supposedly wrote: Pippi was an unusually strong and adventuresome girl with a warm heart. I think applies to you both.

Long live Pippi!!